The Vagina Monologues

Ciao... I'm pretty sure I filled everyone in on just how outrageous my CLIDA professor, Maria, is. However, I must restate that I have never met such an animated lady. Her appearance completely fools everyone into thinking she's a wealthy and snobby eldery woman. She's probably in her 60s, if I had to guess, and always tan- even in the middle of the winter. She has long blonde hair and bright blue eyes. She wears head-to-toe Dolce and Gabbana and carries a HUGE Louis Vuitton purse that she has appropriately named her "suitcase." She has a sleeve of Tiffany's bracelets- I'm guessing there are about 7. She has 3 Cartier watches that she alternates wearing. She sports an enormous diamond ring on her right pinky and 3 other diamond rings intertwined on her left ring finger. She has a very attractive husband named Piero and a dog (whose name escapes me). She has no children and in fact, cringes whenever I talk about how much I love little kids. While she and Piero would fit perfectly into the snobby Italian stereotype, this couple is just the opposite. I have never met a more genuine, caring, and-- crazy woman, and her husband is just the same- minus the crazy part.

Whenever I show up to CLIDA at 9 am, she is there with her iPhone, Blackberry, and normal cell phone (yes, she has 3 cell phones), and is usually digging through her bottom-less suitcase/purse for her Dolce and Gabbana glasses. She always greets me, "Buon giorno, Elsina!" or "Ciao, amore! Come stai? Ti vedo distrutta." That last part means, "you look destroyed," and it's not offensive because I usually am that tired and gasping for air after climbing 6 flights of stairs to get to CLIDA.

Anyway, our crazy Maria had us laughing all morning, instead of doing what she had planned for a lesson. Last night, Maggie Wright had gone to see the Vagina Monologues with a friend, and spent about 15 minutes talking to us about her evening. For anyone that doesn't know what the Vagina Monologues are, it's a play that was set up by an American woman. To gather her materials, she went around the world, asking questions that no one dared ask to strangers, questions about their vaginas. She started with silly questions and in the end of the conversations, was able to get the women to share incredibly moving stories about their pasts- some stories that had never been shared before. I'm sure she offended a lot of people too that probably ended up not participating. Each character in the Vagina Monologues play portrays one of these real-life women, and gets up in front of the audience to share "her" story. Some are funny and some are sad, but they are all about being a woman and the troubles that women often face. Following the 15 minutes of description, Maria looked completely lost. I had heard of the Vagina Monologues, but didn't really know what the show consisted of. After Maggie explained, I understood, but Maria could not wrap her head around the idea. So, Maggie Rossi gave Maria an example....

This conversation is completely in Italian. Let me remind you that Italians are very spirited in conversation and move around A LOT.

Maggie R: For example, one of the questions asked of the women can be "If your vagina could wear clothes, what would it wear?"

Maria: (look of digust/confusion) How the hell can someone ask another person about their vagina?! And what it would wear!? It doesn't wear clothes! That's the most stupid question!!

Maggie R: Well, it's the idea of how the woman is feeling and with further questions, it gets the woman to open up about a sometimes painful, sometimes exciting, past.

Maria: But, a vagina doesn't wear clothes??!

Maggie Wright interjects...

Maggie W: Well, there was also this elderly woman who explained that she had never seen her own vagina before because culturally, it was forbidden.

Maria: (completely shocked and practically screaming): Now this I just cannot believe! How does a woman not know what she has down there?! Does she not look down!? Don't you think we women have to take even a little bit of care to our vaginas at least every month!? If not, that is pretty disgusting. I just can't believe it. What the hell is this play?!

This whole time, we were dying of laughter, Maria included. By the end of the conversation, she began to understand a little more what the Vagina Monologues consisted of, but she was definitely confused by the content. I guess she doesn't think that vaginas have personality. She's definitely not interested in seeing the play.

Today consisted of just one of the many ridiculous conversations that we are lucky enough to have with our beloved teacher. I wonder what she's going to want to know about next.

A dopo.